I have to admit, I am quite fortunate to be able to look out over the warm Caribbean Sea from a white sandy beach every Sunday afternoon with my daughter Leila. For last few weeks, we have made this our father-daughter ritual, and so far it has been amazing for both of us. She gets to spend time playing in the sand and water, running into the odd friend she knows, and gets to have fun outside like every 6 year old child should. I, on the other hand, get to relax, spend time chatting with friends who usually drop in to see us, and think over whatever comes to my mind.
Today was an eventful day as the local Catholic Church had a beach BBQ capped off with games for all the children who attended. The playing area was less than 2 feet from our lounging area on the beach and was full of balloon tosses, soccer games and tug of wars. Also, Sunday is the beach volleyball league's game day so there was lots of activity. Nevertheless, I got to see and think a lot of things over between all of this and the company of Jeremy and Sam, who joined us after we arrived.
It is what it is: I, just like most people I know, know their own culture and its values while being somewhat ignorant of different cultures and how they may see things. Recently, I met a friend who had helped me through quite a number of challenging situations. She was great at lifting me when I thought I wasn't going to stay afloat, giving good advice when I needed it, and making me laugh when I thought I couldn't possibly feel happy again. She was a ray of light for me in dark times. I don't believe in one-sided friendships, so I gave her support which I thought I could do best. I helped her with trying to plan out her career path, work advice, and offered support when she felt down and unsure of herself in anyway. Naturally, when you both share deeply, you tend to get closer and want to spend time with each other. However, both of us have realized that our cultures do not see our friendship in the same way - and this has caused problems for us going forward. For example, her culture does not see a male-female relationship as something that is appropriate for a woman who is in a relationship. This is evident as she feels pressured by others who have saw her spending time with me as they will see this as a negative characteristic in her and something that a "woman shouldn't do with another man" despite the complete absence of any wrongdoing and it being 100 percent innocent. She told me this and said that because of her culture, she does not think she can spend as much time with me or be seen with me. At first I was a little hurt by this as one would be when a friend pulls back from a relationship. You feel dejected and put out. However, she understands how it could be seen and how it could hurt her relationship with her partner. That's understandable to me that she would not want to jeopardize her relationship. If she loves that person, she should do what she has to do to keep that safe and protected.
On the other hand though, you have to see it as society making something out of nothing. One thing I have found is that people love to talk. They will talk about anything, talk about nothing, and talk for talk sakes. Call it gossip if you want. Sometimes it is innocent, as someone will share some news with another person. Other times, it is said with a purpose and an ill one at that. Now I feel society likes to make more out of a friendship between a man and a woman. It is like a man and woman, in society's wisdom, can only have a sexual relationship, where both are unable to defend themselves from the wiles of the other! Society paints a man like a bumbling fool, someone who cannot say no to any carnal urge, while a woman is a siren, waiting to seduce a man into her trap. I think this is absolute hogwash. People make their own choices and decide which desires to follow and which are not 'right'. Regardless of a friendship being man-to-man, woman-to-woman or man-to-woman, any such relationship has just as much likelihood of being more or less based on sexual attraction. But society would have us think otherwise.
However,
it is what it is. I have resigned myself to the fact that what I spoke of above is especially true of her culture. My culture is somewhat less enslaved to this archaic concept of appropriateness, but still people like to make it mean more than what it is if they see it too. Out of respect to her, I will honour her wishes and let this friendship slide its way towards acquaintanceship. I will miss it, but it is what it is.
Assumptions...: I really like the saying, "it is what it is." Sam told me today that it is a very Canadian saying. Maybe she is right. I heard it from a counselor I am seeing about a month ago. It is so beautiful because it is simple. Yet, it is one of the hardest things for people to do. Instead of taking things for what they are, people think that there must be some ulterior motive, or that they have to read between the lines. This leads to a beautiful thing called - assumptions. Getting back to the above point, assumptions are what is limiting a friendship. Assumptions on what is appropriate for friends who are of opposite sexes to be doing. Honestly, I joke all the time that my first name is unisex, but maybe deep down inside, it is a bit of a poke at gender identity which has been socialized into our cultures. Girls wear pink... boys wear blue... girls like dolls.... while boys play with action figures... the list could go on and on! But why do these things matter! Well, if a boy plays with dolls and wears pink, society will assume that he is like gay and will paint him with the flaming brush, not matter what the boy truly feels is his sexual orientation. Dolls + pink + boy = gay. It is straight assumption math, my dear Watson. It is too bad society, and the people who drive these stereotypes, can't sit back and say to themselves, "it is what it is".... "it is a boy who likes dolls and prefers pink." Nothing more, nothing less. I hope one day we can all take a step back from the baggage claim, as Jason Barger would say, and reexamine what we label as what and how we make assumptions based on what we THINK we see and THINK we know. It is what it is i guess.
Relationships: One thing the beach did show me was the power of spending time with those we care about. It was evident all around me that people were truly happy spending time with one another. Nothing else would have brought them as much happiness at that moment. I saw friends laughing and playing sports together, a mother and son teamed up in a water balloon toss game, and family sat around and shared stories and remembered all of the other times they laughed together, sure to add this memory to their repertoire. Relationships are processes, you must stay at them to make them work. If you take them for granted, you will lose them and those you care the most about. Sometimes relationships change, for better or worse, but it is up to each person to make the best out of what they can. If a relationship is unhealthy, you work to make it healthy for both. If you cannot, then you must walk away. Period. I know I have a renewed sense of appreciation for relationships and what they mean. Today on the beach reminded me of this. Also, I really do hope my friendship above can be maintained, but I am happy to see it change if it makes it the best it can be for the both of us.
I hope this was a coherent rant, for it was a rant. You can't call it anything else. At the very least, I hope you didn't feel it was a waste of a few minutes. I know it helps me to get this out, so maybe it will help someone else if they read it... :)
Welly's out for another day...
